A Knight In Savory Armor

My badass brother mentioned "El Camion" and "I'm paying" in the same sentence, to which my heart responded with a merry little jig. So after work, I excitedly hoped on the bus, pointed the driver towards 15th Avenue and told him to hurry. As if unconcerned with the needs of my stomach, the bus driver took his sweet time. Finally though I arrived to find my whole family waiting. We exchanged loving greetings as we began our slow ascent towards counter. We placed our order and then settled into a booth, doing our best to feign patience.

Finally my torta arrived. With zeal I blindly dove in, blissfully downing adobada sedatives with each bite.

After neatly packing dinner into our small intestines, my parents drove me to my house. The porkquilizer was already beginning to take hold. My journey to the door included multiple momentary naps and with great effort I worked the key into the lock. I mumbled hello as I stumbled past my roommates on the way to my room. The clock read 9:13 and my mattress had a strong gravitational pull. As head hit pillow sleep grabbed me tight in its pudgy fist, cocked back and threw me deep into a Mexican food dreamland.

I landed in a chipotle sunset. Roads paved with rice led through black bean buildings with tortilla roofs. In the distance stood a great carne asada castle. The outer wall was adorned with intricate avocado siding and massive tomato turrets protruded from the top. And from inside came the piercing cry of a fair maiden.

Saving was in order and I was the only noble knight in sight.

I set off for the castle, suddenly clad in chile chain main. As I approached the outer wall the mole moat came into view. Spanning a good ten yards and with molten flavor bubbling to the surface, passage seemed improbable. But, in a fit of ingenuity, I fashioned my taco shell shield into a makeshift raft, using my cilantro sword as a paddle. Once inside I found the castle in disarray. The inner walls were charred to a crisp yet they still stood, either by dumb luck or as a sign of dissent towards gravity. I cautiously carried on. As I approached the keep, with its winding stairs leading upward, I saw a dart of green out of the corner of my eye. My grip on the sword tightened as I carried on. I had not taken more than four steps when fire burst down at me. I ducked behind my shield, narrowly avoiding becoming the newest piece of the cooked castle. I retreated back into the courtyard. From out behind a pillar flew a great winged jalapeño. The beast swooped down, spewing beams of fire as it made its attack. I dove to the side, just not quite far enough to save the hair on the back of my legs. I stood and focused myself as my opponent began another fiery descent. But this time I was ready, as I dove to the side I thrust my sword upward, striking flesh. Seeds leaked from the belly of the beast as I stepped over my enemy's body and headed up the stairs. At the top a thick quesadilla door stood in my way. With what strength I had left I bashed my shoulder against it. Uno. Dos. Eureka! I burst in and there on the bed lay the most beautiful women I had ever laid eyes on...

And that was that. We lived happily ever after…




...until I woke up. Sweaty. Disoriented. And 14 hours older.