Commeatment to Excellence: A Look Forward

Hello my little elves,

I hope you all had a Meaty Christmas.

I personally had a lovely time hanging ornameats on the tree with care and even sneaking a kiss or two under the meatstletoe but, sadly, that is all over now. We must return to reality. The New Year is almost upon us.

I am anxious for 2013 given that I was not planning on surviving the apocalypse, but, since the Mayan's are a bunch of dirty liars (whom I will never buy a calendar from again), I am forced to face realities.

Reality #1:
I am not getting any younger.
New Years (Re)Solution #1:
Clearly if I want to combat the chronic aging that I am afflicted by I need to eat food that is rich with youthful energy. Veal is the answer. A little known fact about veal is that it meatabolizes within the body as pure muscle, vitality and swag. Veal is the secret; veal is the fountain of youth.

Reality #2:
I am not a billionaire.
New Years (Re)Solution #2
My lack of exorbitant wealth is severely hindering my ability to do whatever I want. This is unacceptable and unfair but, once again, I have the answer. I am investing in a meatal detector. Treasure is buried everywhere but because mankind is too stupid to developed x-ray vision we simply walk right over it. Well, not me folks, not anymore, I refuse to be held back by my human inequities, I'm gonna make that bill' in 2013.

Reality #3
Pigs in a blanket are delicious.
New Years (Re)Solution #3:
Eat more pigs in a blanket.

On December 31st, at the stroke of meatnight, 2013 will begin. Make sure that you are ready.

A Quick Appeteaser

Hola Meatheads,

As many of you know, apples are pretty cool.

The apple is the forbidden fruit, Washington's cash crop, as well as a handy way to keep the doctor away. They are also a fruit, which is where my main problem with them lies. The apples of yesterday were made entirely of fruit parts, mashed together, and slid neatly into a crunchy skin of either red or green coloring; much like how sausage is made but with fruit.  But no longer must you suffer with such fruity fruit, I have found the remeatdy.

I present to you, drumroll please, The Meatnificent, Ham-Apple!

Like the beguiling butterfly emerging from its bland cocoon, so too has the common apple completed a magical meatamorphosis.

Goodnight and sleep tight my faithful meaters, I shall return to you soon.

The Finals Frontier: Planet Pulled Pork

It's been a long time, (long time)
I shouldn't have left you, (left you)
Without some dope meat to read to (read to)

I have had my priorities ass backwards the last couple weeks. I have been focused on inconsequential nuisances like projects, tests, and grades; and, as a consequence of my misguided actions, I have allowed my meaty responsibilities to fall by the wayside.

This will not happen again.
Consider this a meatsdemeanor on my otherwise spotless record.
Here is a picture that I took while I was away.

All right, lets get into it; lets have some pun.

With finals week glaring down on me I knew I had to do something. My energy were dangerously low, the situation clearly called for drastic meatsures to be taken. I loaded up my crock-pot with supplies from Sonnenberg's Market and embark on an intergalactic journey into uncharted flavor. The trip was smooth simmering for the first couple hours, but then, out of no where, hot link meateorites slammed into my precious pork cargo.

Thanks to some nifty maneuvering, I steadied my crocket ship and continued on towards the unknown. Many hours later, while flying past a small planet, I was suddenly drawn in by a strong meatgnetic field. I had no choice but to land. It was on this small planet that I met Promeatheus, a banished Greek demigod and former chef. Zues exiled Promeatheus for eternity because he stole Zues' legendary coleslaw recipe. Zues, ever the lover of irony, cursed Promeatheus by providing him with no other food besides the godly coleslaw. My finding this lonely distant planet was surely divine intervention. Together, my angelic pulled pork with hot links and his immortal 'slaw create a marriage of flavors that is currently nominated for Us Weekly's cutest couple of the year.

I have been on Promeatheus' planet for a couple days now and feel fully adjusted to the atmeatspheric pressure. I feel recharged, I feel ready, and I feel meativated to conquer my finals.

Good luck with your worldly responsibilities.