Adam and Eve, banished from the pimp pad of paradise (by fruit nonetheless!), stumbled out into a damp expansiveness. Awakened to the world and a tingling in their nether-regions, they did what all good humans have learned to do and had intercourse. Their beast with two backs produced a pair; Cain was first, chased by Abel. Cain took to the earth, producing produce. Abel, a man of a more mature palate, choose to herd. Together the pair could have prepared a killer (foreshadowing!) meal but like many brothers, they fought. Making matters worse, the duo and their nudist parents were among the few inhabitants our fine planet. Sibling rivalries, like delusional voices, only seem to get worse in isolation, so as their bodies grew, so too did the feuding. Adding to the rivalry was desperate competition for the affection and attention of their distracted, newly sexualized, parents. The best way for the bickery brothers to gain attention was through cuisine, (Adam and Eve were total foodies). As a result, both worked tirelessly perfecting their professions, spending long hours in the field and pasture. This provided ample alone time. Abel dealt with his solitary by humming some of the world's first music and with Game Boy Color. Cain passed the time by going crazy. Cain had inner demons; he was, by modern medical standards, a psychopath. His psychoses led to a diminished capacity for remorse, poor behavioral controls and nagging insight from people who weren't really there.
One day, while Cain and Abel sat silently on the floor of their parents' poorly built hut, Cain heard a voice that Abel could also hear. It was the big man upstairs, G. O. D. He told them each to offer up a sacrifice. Cain, who had plenty of other voices to worry about, thought little of the request. His brother on the other hand, took the holy demand with the utmost seriousness. While Abel got to preparing an immaculate sacrificial lamb chop for Yahweh, Cain got to composing an impeccable veggie feast for his parents; burning some loose straw to appease Jehovah. Cain's dinner was magnificent (in the vegetable sense of the word) but it was lost upon his parents who were distracted, doting on God's newest bff, Abel. Cain was enraged and with the backing of 13 invented allies, he decided to murder his little brother.
That night, while Abel slept, Cain crept. Cain went to Abel's bedside, pinned him down and suffocated his brother with an apple a snake had given him earlier that week. Abel died at the age of 33. His murder deprived the world many advances to the shepherdial arts, cut short what was sure to be a biblical music career and, much to Cain's dismay, brought God and Abel even closer.
R.I.P. Abel
Your lamb chops were da bomb.
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