Imeatation - Not The Most Sincere Form Of Flattery

Frightened Public:

I write to you today with a message of the upmost importance for those concerned with living a healthy life. Soytainly by now you have all heard about Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP) – street names – The Devil’s Hambone, Supper Surprise, Mouth Meth, Tummy Tinglers, Meat Analogue, Soy. This hazardous new chemical has invaded our nation’s kitchens and is eating away at the stomachs and minds of America’s best and brightest. Doctors from across the nation and around the world are running tests and sprinting through evaluations in hopes of determining the true repercussions of this risky new ‘food’. But, while other physicians slave away in the lab, this meatical doctor is prone to publish the facts in their current form. The taste bud torture must end.

Soy, unlike authentic unadulterated meat, does not contain enough saturated fat to be good for you. Saturated fats help to toughen up your heart, making you better prepared to face the emotional grind of everyday life. Without fatty fats, you run the risk of becoming weak, complacent and a total wussy. Worse yet, TVP tricks the neurons in your soyrebrum causing your brain to think that it is receiving all the much need endorphins, serotonin and pleasure enhancers that are found in meat. This can lead to dangerous depletion. A diet devoid of true sustenance and jam-packed with mock meat will lead to emotional breakdowns. That’s a fact. Lastly, and this fact will be especially horrifying for all the animal rights activists in the audience, soy tastes offensive. That alone is not the appalling aspect although, for food lovers like myself, it needs to be considered. The shocking truth is that in order for TVP to obtain a palatable taste, reminiscent meat’s explosive flavor, hundreds of live animals must be squished into a fine dust. Animals are shoveled into a machine resembling a trash compactor; the output from this abhorred contraption is then mixed in with Soy, creating a marketable imeatatation. The truth hurts, the truth shocks, but the truth has an undeniable importance.

Fauxcus on what I am saying, be an informed eater, and don’t let imeatation seep into your diet.